My life is a mess right now.

My mother bought a house in East Hartford. Im happy that she finally has a house, but why now? Why my senior year?!! I cant just up and leave and not finish what I started…

Every year of high school I lived in a new place. We’ve barely stayed in one house for a year. I cant deal with all the moving. Especially not now. This is my senior year. I’ve worked so hard to get this far. I’m currently meeting my school’s standards. I cant just move to a new school and change everything and have me end up having to re-do things I have already done or not be able to graduate with my class. I cannot and will not have that.

I wouldnt have mind that much if it was during or after sophomore year. Atleast i could have braced myself for that, been able to adapt.  Not now, not after 10 years.

Part of me knows it’s just the fact that Im leaving NB and the other part of me knows its the fact that I will loose some of my friends. Part of me wants to see East Hartford. Another part knows that I have to finish school here, to go this prom, graduate from this school or it wont be the same.

WHy now?!!!

Im so upset that my mom didn’t even seem to factor me or my brother into the equation, well maybe my brother but certainly not me. Her main reason for moving is the fact that East Hartford is closer to her job than the town we live in now is. Also that it would be easier to put my brother onto the bus in the morning.

That’s not a good enough reason for me to go, leave this all behind. I cannot, I will not. I refuse.

I told my mom twice how much I didn’t want to leave, both times I started crying. That last time, which was on Saturday, she told me how she really felt. I started arguing with her about how this is changing my life. Then she asks me if I want to move or not, after the fact, after everything is said, done, and paid for. WTF?!!!! It’s ridiculous. Anyway, we still kept arguing. Then she pulled her “Well if you dont like it you can get the fuck out and live with someone else routine!”, but this time was different, she talked about emancipating me and telling me not to come so that I could “be out of her life” and she could be out of mine. This time I really took a look at everything.

I dont want to leave NB and I really need to stay here. I think it will be better for me. I need to stay here, without my mom. Im sure that if I move with her to East Hartford things will only get worse for our bad relationship. I hope that my mom will give my monthly child support to me so I could give it to the person I hope I will be staying with.

I have to know tonight.

This weekend, Friday to be exact, I hung out with my friends Brittany, Tiffany, and Amanda. We went to see the football game in Newington. We (New Britain High) played again Newington High and of course Newington got their asses handed to them, being defeated 20 - 17. I was kinda disappointed because NB was playing so damn sloppy, we could have owned them big time if our players were actually making an effort. But that’s besides the point…

Brittany and Tiffany’s mom made the usual cookies for the football team. All the boys live to eat those cookies. I have to say, the first time I ate them I amost made myself sick on them. Once I had one I just couldnt stop eating them. LOL We waited for the players after the game at NBHS and gave them out. Boys were sneaking out during their after game meeting just to get the cookies first. It was quite entertaining.  Ha ha. After that I hung out at Tiff’s house for a little while longer and then went home.

Today is my Friend Barbara’s Bday. I think I missed her party yesterday. Im not sure. Today I was going to go to her house and chill with her, but her phone is off again and she isnt on myspace to send her a message. I think Im going to stay home. I didnt have a present for her anyway. :(  Besides I have a lot of things to do today, like finish an essay that I should have done in the summer.

Recently I’ve been feeling really down on myself. I’ve also noticed that I have been eating like a fat pig. Nothing seems to satisfy my hunger anymore. I dont know what to do. I feel so self-concious, it’s rediculous. Every little thing I do, say, or wear is being scrutanized, by me! I just dont feel good about myself. I feel like I cant compete with all these other girls, why boys only call me if they want something, and why im still not anyone’s girl. I think I need to really buckle down and lose some weight. I lost about 12 pounds in the summer, but Its not enough. I dont want to be stick thin, just smaller.

Hey what’s up?!!! I was listening to Jowell Y Randy Feat. Hector El Father - Hola Bebe so I decided to use that line in the song for the title. LOL I never use to like regaeton, but now I kinda do. Only select artists though. ha ha.

Well on September second I started school. It was the best “first day of school” in a long itme. I gound out that I had sooo many classes with my close friends. I also have this teacher named Mr. Pugliares, who is a real free spirit and wants us to think outside of the box. I really like him, he’s one of those laid back teachers that trick you into learning, … somehow. LOL

After school (still the first day) i went to my friend’s house and we hung out for a while, played Sims. Later that night I saw #3 (if you dont understand my number system I will explain in another post). I was actually surprised because i thought the "summer" would be over.

Anyway, on the second day (Wednesday) I was sooo fucking pissed. I found out that Mr. Litke sent a message to my guidance counselor telling her to change my math class. She did and she ended up messing up my schedule !!!!!  Instead of having Algebra 3, I have this really low level Algebra 1 class. I felt like I was back in kindergarten!! I decided to keep it though, it’s an easy “A”. ha ha.  She ended up taking out Business math too. I was fighting for two days to put business math back in my schedule and come to find out (on Friday) I dont even need that class! But other than that school has been pretty fucking awesome. Just have to keep up with my work. I tend to get lazy and put everything off til the last minute.

My friend and I are planning on designing a clothing line. Im not sure what it will be though. But we are supposed to hook up soon to start sketching and designing. We’ll see how that goes. lol

Im trying to get money. There are soooo many things that I need and want to buy, but I dont have money to do so. I think Im going to start designing again. I think my break has been long enough. ha ha. I also need to hurry up and get my permit, so I can get my licence. Im like one of the only people I know, who still doesnt drive. It sucks, bad.

Well two weekends ago I hung out with my friend Barbara and we went to her family BBQ. I also met her cousin Anabel. Anabel is soooo amazing, she’s funny and a nice person. Normally when I meet someone’s friend or family member I pretent to like them, just to get along, but Ana is a person that i ginuinely like and I miss her (she went back to New Jersey).

Last weekend I hung out with my friend Brittany and we had a bit of an arugement, but things are cool now.

Last Saturday i played gootball with my friends. Well, I didnt really play as much I just stood there and got tackled. On Monday I woke up and i wondered why my chest hurt. I realized that it was because my friend Tom had tackled me. lol It even hurt to laugh.

It really sucks that summer is basically over. I still havent done my community service and I still havent finished my summer assignments. I need to finish my summer assignments as soon as possible. I decided that I will do my community service during the first month of school. I also need to sign up for SATs. Damn this really sucks.